Telling your children and family you have breast cancer will be an upsetting and overwhelming task. You may have just come to terms with the news yourself and by telling your family, it validates your cancer and makes it more real. Sometimes saying the words out loud can be a positive step towards accepting your cancer.
Most experts will agree that it’s important to tell your children you have cancer, however most parents initially feel they want to protect their children from bad news. It’s important to be open and honest with children, because protecting them from the news could ultimately make the situation worse. Children will tend to sense that there is something wrong and will start to feel isolated from the family, so it’s important to share information with them. They may also start to imagine the worst possible scenarios, maybe causing them more stress than necessary. If they don’t hear it from you, chances are they will overhear you talking to your spouse or a friend may inadvertently mention something. We also shouldn’t underestimate the strength of our children and they will be a huge comfort to you whilst you cope with your cancer.
How you decide to tell your children should depend on their age. You may wish to tell them individually or together and this again depends on the age gap between each child. You may also decide to tell an older child in more detail. It’s important to give your children the facts and try to keep it simple. Explain to them what has happened and give some details of the cancer. You will then need to tell them how the doctors are planning to help you and what treatment you will receive. A good example of talking about treatments is to define the cells as “good cells” and “bad cells”. Explain that the treatment will help to make the good cells stronger so they can fight the bad cells. If you are having an operation, explain that you will need to go into hospital but someone will be there to look after them, if possible tell them who that will be. If you are going to need radiotherapy or chemotherapy, explain to them the side affects. Tell them you will be very tired and sick and that you may lose your hair. If they know what to expect it makes it less frightening for them and they may be less demanding of your time and attention.
Try to be positive when telling your children about your diagnosis
Doctors will suggest that you try and be positive when telling the news to your children. If your doctors are hopeful that they can help you, it’s important to relay that news to your children. They will often hear of people dying from cancer as they have access to magazines, TV’s and radios, so try to give them hope and reassurance.
If you think it’s going to be too painful for you to tell your child, other members of your family may be able to help you. However it’s important that you know exactly what they have told your child and if possible you should be present when they do. Some children often think you are sick because of something they said or did, so you need to explain to them it has nothing to do with their behaviour. If you have concerns that you child is not coping emotionally, it may be worth contacting your doctor or finding a local support group.
When you are going through your treatment, keep your child up to date on what’s happening. Communicate with them openly and encourage them to visit you in hospital. If children haven’t seen where you are being treated, they may often start to imagine the hospital as a terrifying place.
Teach your daughter to be breast aware as she grows up
If you have a daughter she may start to worry about her own health and that she may have inherited an increased risk of developing cancer. This fear is not unfounded as there is a genetic component to breast cancer. Explain to your daughter that it’s not inevitable she will get cancer. As she grows up she should learn more about her body and be aware of her breasts. Tell her how to check her breasts and explain the importance of doing it regularly.
Remember, your children can be your support system, be straightforward and honest with them, answer any questions they may have and reassure them of your love.